Like many of you I have often wondered how I would talk to with my daughter from China about her birth parents and the circumstances of her becoming part of our family. ( I will be honest and tell you that I can not say or type the word abandonment in reference to my daughter...can't do it) We talk now in ways a two year old can wrap her brain around about Sophie being "in China". She has the photo album we sent to her in the SWI. She points to the picture of herself as says "baby Sophie...China" then proceeds to name the rest of us in her photo album. She looks at family photos that she is not in with confusion, as if she is saying "hey , where was I???"
I guess in some ways I think/thought that because Sophie was born with a special need, explaining why her birth parents did not keep her would be slightly easier....as time passes I am not so sure. I encourage you to go here and read this post from a trans-racial adoptee. Her perspective will give you cause to think about what you are telling your daughter or what you may tell her in the future.
I thought I had a plan on how we would handle this as a family ( what terms we would use, like birth parents, that we would present the circumstances of how Sophie became our daughter in a loving and supportive way. ) We will tell Sophie that her birth parents loved because the chose life for her...they chose to leave her across the street from a hospital so she could be safe. I am not going to romanticize it, to me it seemed like a pratical choice given the circumstances of life in China. Truth be told, life is full of choices. There will be many questions that Sophie will ask me about her birth and journey to us, and unfortunately I will have very few answers for her....except that yes that I believe that she was loved then and is loved now.....
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I had previously typed out a longer comment but sometimes blogspot just doesn't cooperate with me. Sorry.
Thanks for the link - it was a really interesting article and gave me much food for thought.
I'm going to read the link now. This is also something I struggle with. Right now I have no plan as to how to handle the topic. Instead I'm just absorbing advice and the experiences of others who have crossed that bridge before me.
last night i was at ben & jerry's and there was a cluster of college age asian kids, and i thought- there's my daughter, someday. will she resent me in any way? feel cheated out of her first parents? it's like suddenly i saw her whole life in front of her and the myriad of possible futures of her emotional responses to her past- the best i can do is lay a solid foundation rooted in love. it's the best we can do.
Thanks for sharing this...
Keep smilin!
Indeed, as Kris said: 'lay a solid foundation rooted in love'. You are already doing that and it is the best we can offer. That is something I struggle with already much more than I suspected I would. The 'holes' in information is very hard for me. I can only imagine what it will be like for my daughter.
There certainly is no perfect answer....
thanks for that article. Maddy is just now starting to talk about being from China. I'll need everything I can get my hands on.
It is never easy to understand why one's own blood-and-flesh parents could not keep you.
I think about this all the time. So far our conversations have all been positive but I don't know what lays a head for us. My Addison only likes to talk about what we have that's the same "dark eyes, dark hair, same hands etc". I know it's her way of connecting us...bless her heart.
Thank you for sharing this post and for the link {{{hug}}}
HI Maryellen,
It's very interesting, my 2yr old constantly looks at photos and takes my hand gesturing, wanting me to say the names of the people in the photos. She also looks at her referral photos we have in the kitchen and seems to love looking at them. I always say that's you, sweet baby in China.
I so know what you are thinking about and hoping for. I think we all wonder what/when the conversation will be like.
I think we just want to protect them so much from any further trauma, but actually we already did, their loved and secure.
When your sweet daughter comes to you with those questions you are now worried about...you'll have the right answers!
Hugs,
Ivy
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