What Will She Find....

Technology has made the world a very small place. Many of you who stop here to visit don't live in NC and have never met me IRL (in real life), yet I come to you for advice, post pics for you to see and share my thoughts. It is a small little world we live in.

When talking with some other Moms with girls from China we have had chats about what information they will be able to seek out on their own. G00gle is a powerful tool. You can have the computer in your family room friends, but when she is at a friends house or you are busy she will have access to the internet one way or the other. Here are a few links and images that I found thinking like a 13 year old.

For these links I just put in China Abandoned Girls and only looked at the first page.

An article about the dying rooms

BBC News

How Chinese Girls Come to be abandoned-A Research Article

Not including the numerous blogs that have posted

Thousands of images that will break your heart


This is just a small sampling of what is out there for our girls to find. I wanted to write this post because I think our adoption community is currently wrapped up in who is the "mommy". Most would agree....Mommy is the one that is going to have to explain abandonment and what that means.

Treading lightly

Lots and lots of talk in blog land about "gotcha" and the documentary "Adopted". Nothing I like more than lots of educated and heartfelt discussions. Being a parent is challenging. These have been some of MY observations.

• Families that celebrate Gotcha day are not going to suddenly stop celebrating gotcha day.

• It seems that many of the families that DO NOT celebrate Gotcha day have bio kids.

• A movie will not change your mind about Gotcha day

• A movie can change how you look and evaluate adoption.

• You cannot turn Gotcha day into a birth story.....sorry you just can't do it, her life started long before that day.
  

• Parenting is not for wimps, fairy godmothers, or ladybugs.

• It is hard to find a good kids book that covers all the bases in an international adoption, such as abandonment/relinquishment, unknowns, birth parents, etc. ( I have a book idea that I am working on with T)
  

• Saying that you will stop celebrating Gotcha day when your child tells you they don't want to celebrate it anymore puts lots of pressure on your kiddo...you may not think so right now, but when your teenager has to choose between friends and football or Gotcha day dinner, she will choose dinner so she doesn't hurt your feelings....she knows how much it means to you.

• It is important to recognize that adoption is selfish..."I wanted to be a mom", "I wanted a daughter" etc. Not necessarily selfish in a mean and rotten way...but if the sentence starts with "I" friends it is about you....

• I love hearing/seeing all sides of a discussion. I don't agree with all sides, and many of you don't agree with me...which is ok friends. It keeps things interesting and if a blog post can challenge me to be a better parent....it is all good.
  

Parenting is a journey, an uphill trek, a slippery slope. We can do the best we can, then try to do better.

Have I really told her she was adopted....

Ummm nope. I am not sure I have even said "adopted", I have told Sophie that she was born in China, that she lived for sometime with the man holding her (foster father) in one picture and then with her friends at the SWI in China. I have told her that Mommy and Daddy went to China to bring her home etc. I have started telling her that she grew in her birth mothers tummy...she has no frame of reference for this...no one I know is pregnant. She looks at me like I have lost my mind...."Mama food goes in your tummy not babies"..... God help me.

Here is a great post that discusses if we have really told our children that they were adopted. Thanks Malinda!!

Tracy has posted about Gotcha day and about some kids adoption books that miss the mark. If you are looking for a great book that talks about" the night you were born" here is a great book. "On the Night You Were Born"....I love love love this book. There is no Mommy or Daddy in this book it is all about the baby, and the wind, the stars and animals. Love it.

"On the night you were born, the moon smiled with such wonder that the stars peeked in to see you and the night wind whispered,..."

How will she know she is adopted....

I remember when we first decided to adopt from China. We were talking to Ben and Hannah about it and Ben asked "how will she know she is adopted, she is probably going to look like me" Part of the reason why he said that is that we have an Asian background. My Mom is Indonesian, and I am guessing that people have asked Ben "what are you??" I often got the same questions growing up. Of course we explained to Ben that she would know she was adopted because she would not likely look like us and we of course would talk about it with her......

Fast forward four years and I find myself scared sh*tless that Sophie is going to "remember the day she figured out she was adopted" All the pictures taken with the cameras I sent to China are in a small photo album that Sophie keeps in her book box. We look at it together and talk about her foster father, where she used to live in China and her "friends" in the pictures. We talk about how we came to China and brought her home with us to NC, I have shown her videos of the first moments that we met in China and she has very little interest in sitting and watching. All my friends and family are done being pregnant so the chances of that providing an opportunity to talk about how she grew in her birth mothers tummy are slim. I think that I am doing it right....we don't talk about her adoption a ton, but allow it to come up easily in conversation.

This is the stuff I think about when Sophie wakes me up in the middle of the night.....

Interesting and helpful post

Thank you....

Thank you for all of your prayers and helpful comments. I spoke with Sophie's attachment therapist, he suggested putting her back in our room. I am "modifying" that a little and just letting her get in our bed with one of us instead of setting up her bed again in our room. Once she settles in again I am going to try sleeping on the trundle in her room or moving her from our bed after she falls asleep. That worked before the stress of going back to school kicked in. I love the long breaks, but it seems that it is really hard for Sophie to get back into the routine of going back to school.

Thanks again...you guys rock!

Sleep

We have struggled and struggled with getting a good nights sleep for some time. We have good stretches, and I actually feel human. Sophie has slept in our room since coming home from China. About a month and a half ago, I felt attachment wise and healthy sleeping wise it was time for her to move in to her own room. Things were going pretty good for awhile. I really thought we finally were going to sleep. Then Christmas break rolled around and towards the end of break she was waking up twice a night. I told her that if she stayed in her bed all night she would get stickers...no one loves stickers the way Sophie loves stickers:) And that kind of helped. I also added that if it was dark out that she could not come in my room....well all that got me was her crying outside my door. *sigh* Since returning back to school she is a wreck and waking up 2-3 times a night crying wanting "mama" , before when she was waking up she wasn't crying. She is not having night terrors, I think she is waking up and I am not there ( I snuggle her until she is off to sleep....I know I know). I have tried to help her to go to sleep on her own....but she cries and just will not stay in her room. No matter what I do. Her cry has changed from a flat out freaking out panic cry, to a mild panicky cry for Mama. I have tried bringing her back to bed, kissing her and telling her good night, and leaving. Only to have her jump out of the bed as soon as I walk out of the room. Seriously I could bring her back and put her back in her bed until the sun comes up. I need help people. I need sleep. Sophie needs to sleep.

I should add that we have ALWAYS struggled with getting her down for a nap. Usually I throw her in the car and bring her home and put her in bed once she falls asleep. Over break I laid down with her a couple times and noticed that she was holding her breath and making a little noise when she let her breath out....she is holding her breath so she won't fall asleep!!! When I tell her to stop she usually does, but SHE IS HOLDING HER BREATH SO SHE WON"T FALL ASLEEP!! I asked her teacher about this today, and she said that she "makes a noise" when it is time to sleep....she usually stops when the teacher asks her to, then sleeps about 30 minutes.

HELP!!

DECEMBER 27th

I have been lazy about getting this post up...I got it up on FB on time but not here so here is a little update.

I have TWO teenagers now! Hannah turned 13 years old on December 27th! In case you don't know Hannah here are a few things about my teenage girl.

* She never takes a bad picture. Seriously she is one photogenic chica.

* She likes being home. I suspect she will go to college right up the road.

* She is just b*tchy enough not to be a doormat, and still be a sweet girl.

* She is smart and works hard for her grades.

* Teachers looooove Hannah.

* She loves dogs...every kind of dog.

* She is tall and skinny.

* She loooooves chocolate.

* She has her Dad wrapped around her little finger.

* She still likes to snuggle.

* She loves pink and green.

* She is a fashionista.

* She is a good girl and makes us proud to be her Mom and Dad!


The cake!
Outside Carlo's



For Hannah's birthday we decided to make a "pilgrimage" to Carlo's Bakery in Hoboken New Jersey. Hannah and I love to crawl in to my bed and watch the Cake B0ss. I ordered a cake for Hannah's birthday in her favorite colors of course! My Iph*ne said that it would take us 8 hours or so to get there. Apparently Iph0ne does not have an app for the jersey turnpike! TEN hours later we arrived at our hotel! The next day we headed to the bakery only to find a huge line out the door. I am happy to say that the line moved pretty fast. I got Hannah's cake and some cupcakes for some friends back in NC. My Mom bought some yummy "lobster claws" and let me tell you, they were delicious! We don't have any Italian bakery's here where we live....just as well because I do loooove some Italian pastries!! It was a whirlwind of a trip but worth having to sit on the Jersey turnpike. It was a birthday that Hannah will never forget!


Hannah, cousins Lillian and Helen with Buddy the Cake B0ss!

Hannah and Buddy

Hannah with Buddy's sister Grace, cousins Lillian and Helen