Thursday, April 2, 2009

The Chip In Button

First let me say that I am more than a little annoyed that the stork is not flyin' until next week ! And since I am not alone in my crappy mood I thought I would snark the chip in button. I am even going to allow anonymous comments...just for fun;)

The chip in button has become the bane of blogland. There I said it. Mind you when the chip in button first started appearing I was happy to lend a hand (or $10) to help a family raise money..... usually for a SN adoption. But you know I have become tired of the chip in button. There are a few things that come to mind that annoy me...first we all know adoption is expensive, sacrifices have to be made (for most) to pay for an adoption, secondly damn this wait is long...long enough to continue to save to pay for the very expensive costs of adoption. I guess if you believe that someone is "saving" a child and that if they have to raise the money to do it, then how is that bad?? I am not saying that the "chip in" button is BAD...I am saying that it is total bullshit when bloggers add a chip in button and lead you to believe that they can't swing it unless they raise enough money.....then not to long after they get back from China they are packing up the fam for a Disney vacation at Cinderella's castle! WTF???

Here are some things that I have read on blogs that have taken advantage of readers and used a chip in button.

  • "Crap, one of the kids just broke our plasma flat screen! My husband is going to be ticked"
  • " I hope we can sell our $500,000 house..."
  • " Time to pack (insert luxury model car) and hit the road

So there I said it. The chip in button is bullshit.....

27 comments:

Lynn said...

Amen!!!! You must be reading my mind! I have wanted to make a post like this, but couldn't get my words right. Amen sister amen!!!

sandra said...

I agree. I donated money once and never got even as much as a thank you. If there is one thing that turns me off it is ungratefulness and entitlement. It is total bullshit...

PIPO said...

It's a fresh steaming pile of bullshit. It makes me SICK that people beg to meet costs they should take personal responsibility for. Mooches. My simple answer is work your ass off like everyone else who didn't get it handed to them.

Yeah, I'm just a puddle of mush aren't I? ;0)

Special K said...

Amen and Halleluyer sister!!!!!!! You've long known how I feel about the chip in button.

I have no problem if there is a genuine need. And will donate happily.

But for fuck's sake... I'm a single income with the same bills as everyone else and I bust my ass working 2 jobs to pay for this adoption. There's no way in hell I'd ask someone else to pay my way.

And here's something else.... if you don't have the money right now then STAY IN THE NSN LINE WHERE YOU STARTED UNTIL YOU HAVE THE MONEY TO SWITCH TO SN! Don't switch cuz you're *TIRED OF WAITING* then beg for money cuz things are moving too fast & you're not prepared! The lengthy wait sucks, I agree. Trust me... I'm living it every day. BUT IT GIVES YOU TIME TO SAVE THE MONEY!

There... I said it. Boy do I feel better getting that off my chest. LOL!

~K said...

I just heart you Mare!!!
I too get sick to my stomach when I see the stupid panhandle button. Being a parent will cost you a lot of money no matter how you come to that gift. If you can't afford to do it... Then don't. There are a whole lot of us who made sure we could.. So get out of the way! Its a privledge, not a right. Don't cry hardship to me... Oohhhh how it boils my blood!

a Tonggu Momma said...

My first thought? How will your child feel, at an older age, when someone approaches him or her and says, "my momma (or I) paid $30 so you could be adopted." Umm... yuck.

As for prize raffles? I wouldn't personally choose to go that route, but I don't judge. I've even donated one or two items before.

But the chip in button? It's never okay in my book.

Suzie said...

Good for you for saying what so many of us have thought!!! I made adjustments and save every penny that I can so that when my time comes, I will have the funds that I need to bring my daughter home!

I'm with TM - I don't mind some of the SN's raffles but I read their whole blog before I make the decision to chip-in.

And yeah, it sucks that the damn stork is taking his sweet ass time getting here!!!

Julia said...

When my first daughter came home I made a whopping 40k a year and still managed to scrimp and save every nickle to come up with what I needed during the 6 month paperchase and 8 month wait (it was a long time ago). And - news flash - parenthood is EXPENSIVE! If you can't come up with the adoption money, how are you going to afford everything else that's needed, now or in the future. Yes, I've chipped in before too, but really - enough already!

~ Alison n' Mali~ said...

AMEN.

simply t said...

*snort* *cough cough* *AMEN SISTA*

I actually have a lot more to say about this...as you know, but due to the hour of night & the one two many cocktails, I better stay in the hush zone. Now let's talk about that damn stork!......?

Lisa and Tate said...

Totally agree!! Don't ya just love it when the button appears with a waaaa waaaaaa post of how poor, etc then the next post is some real frivolous trip or purchase. Just erks (sp???) me to not end.

Oh BTW... where are the babies???

Catherine said...

I've thought this for a long time but never had the courage to say anything. Good for you for putting it out there!

Why should someone else pay for my adoption? I don't remember the last time a prego friend asked me to help pay for their ultrasound.

Buckeyes & Eggrolls said...

Here's another AMEN to that post. When we got home with Maddy, Marty went back to work in 2 days. I was back to work in one week. No time off for us. No big vacations to the beach. Heck, we've only been out for a movie once since coming home. But.. it OK! It was our choice. We LOVE having Maddy around and we knew ahead of time there would be expenses. Also, we both lost our jobs within a month of coming home from China and yet, we managed. I understand hardship, it can happen to anyone without warning especially in these trying times but I agree that having children (by any means) and caring for them is not the responsibility of others.

HuluMama said...

I agree!

The Gang's Momma said...

I am not a fan of the chip in button, but having been in the wait and been in financial need, I can see the path that would lead someone to feel the "need" to garner support. I am far more likely to give to those I know personally, and often in the choice of participating in a raffle or just donating, I would rather just donate.

I don't agree with the ideas presented here that those who adopt have the same circumstances as those who are pregnant. Or that those who choose to build their family by adoption should have all their funds in place of their own steam or own doing (saving, etc.)

First, the expense with bio kids rarely comes in one lump sum, due before one travels to give birth. Having experienced an expedited adoption, we had more limited time to save the money. Our decision to go SN was not about shortening the wait, it was about building our family. Timing and finances were not the top priorities we considered, in the balance of how we made that particular decision.

Second, healthcare covers many of the expenses leading up to the actual birth (pre-natal care, etc.). All of the expenses for adoption are out of pocket. Due in order to "move you to the next step." Most are not re-imbursible, and if they are, (employer and gov't tax credits) not until the adoption if finalized.

Third, for those who adopt after bios, the "help" that comes in the form of baby showers often is not there. Baby showers traditionally can be a great mix of cash, gift cards, and actual gifts. What's needed in the journey to our children is cold hard cash.

Those are just a few of the significant differences I see in the road of adoption to build a family. Not all of them are my particular differences, but I would hope that we in the adoption community could discuss and support each other's choices and differences with a bit more balance. And compassion for the desperation that one must feel when choosing to add the "chip in" button or not. And certainly without the "f" bomb and other profanities.

Jen said...

There are TRUE adoption funding emergencies and I love how the adoption community rallies to help. However, not being able to fly business class and stay in the penthouse at the White Swan is not an emergency. THANK YOU for voicing this because I too am SICK AND TIRED and TICKED OFF at people taking advantage of other people's heart for orphans. They really should be ashamed at themselves!

Special K said...

The Gang's Momma... you're entitled to your opinion as am I. So please don't tell me what type of language to use. I'm a grown up and I can say "fuck" if I want. If the blog owner here doesn't take offense (and I know she doesn't because she's a personal friend)then you shouldn't either.

In your own words "finances were not the top priorities you considered". In my opinion it absolutely should be. You're right that adoption is not like pregnancy. Adoption is a CHOICE WE MAKE. And we know (fair or not fair) that it's EXPENSIVE.

My adoption cost just as much as yours. But I would never undertake this major life change without being prepared financially. I could never ask someone else for a hand out. Again... a personal choice for me.

I'm not knocking people who ARE prepared but take an unexpected hit and then need help. I'll help. I have compassion for those circumstances.

But if you start this adoption knowing you can't afford it and not having a plan in place to pay for it and then ask me for help to cover your expenses... I have a problem with that.

Laura said...

Agree 100%!

kris said...

Well, were it not for mine, no way could I be doing this adoption. My house is falling apart :) And the woman I'm trying to help now, well, her first daughter was life flighted to my town 7m after coming home from China and died. The medical bills and funeral costs all came shortly after they accepted their referral for Anna Grace.

So, sometimes the Chip-In is for an amazing cause. I know this family, they live 30 miles from me. I'm sad they haven't raised twice what they've asked for... I don't know a family more deserving. They are trying so hard to make this dream come true and poured their entire savings into MJ when she first came home (her initial reports said she had a mild developmental delay, she in fact had cerebral palsy, severe malnutrition and a mouth full of rotting teeth- thanks to amazing parents, she was doing so well, but it cost them tons)...

And MJ could not wait to have a little sister from China... I've no doubts she is smiling down from heaven.

Donna -N- Andrew said...

Amen!

kris said...

And, on a side note, like Krista, I believe this is a choice and you should have the funds- at the same time, I also know there are degrees of financial stability- not all of us are "rich" enough to adopt initially, but certainly are stable enough to raise a child- the initial expenses are just hard. That's been the case for me. Married I could have adopted 2 at the same time and had change left over... but once divorced, that wasn't the case- but I didn't want to let go of this dream. But when I look at my take home pay and my daily living, I have what it takes to raise a child. I can't change nature or the fact that I haven't ever conceived. But I am truly grateful for the support of this community and would fundraise again if needed. And with some really serious unforeseen medical expenses (amounting to well over 5K, more than I bring home a month), I may have to... life happens in that REALLY long wait too, even when you're trying to save.

3D said...

It is something that bothers me but did not vocalize. Thank you for voicing what many feel and you had the balls to say.

Keep smilin!

The Gang's Momma said...

It was not my intent to ruffle feathers, or offend. I was simply pointing out that I thought we could have a civilized discussion about a very sensitive topic. And maybe bring "the other side" of the issue to the table.

It does seem, that I am not the only one who, while I dislike the dreaded button, sees the possible reasons one feels the need for the button. I chose not to publicize my financial "need" even in the midst of heart-wrenching decisions that were made for us. But I also empathize with those who feel pushed or pressed for the big lump sums. Kris said it well - many can afford the day to day of a child and all the expenses but the big output is scary and intense and some feel out of options.

I stand by my belief that we can offer up this conversation in a more balanced and empathic manner.

Special K said...

I feel that if someone says they can afford the day to day expenses of raising a child then they should start putting that money aside into savings until they feel they're in a place where they can afford the big lump sum payments and then start the adoption. That's what I did and continue to do.

I have total and complete understanding for circumstances that arise that are out of the control of financially prepared PAP's that put them in a bind. And I've clicked on the chip in button to help in those circumstances either just to flat donate or for a raffle. I donated to MJ's family and I gave money to your raffle Kris. I'm not speaking of deserving situations like that.

What burns me is people who know they can't afford the adoption but are too impatient to save the money so they start the process anyway and then ask for a hand out.

I can't afford to adopt a second child. But I absolutely want to. So just because I WANT IT does that mean it's okay to ask someone else to pay for it? No... not in my opinion. That's the point I'm trying to make.

Susan said...

Maryellen,

This is interesting dialogue, girl!
I love reading all of the adoption info./stories on your blog, sounds like you got em riled up this time! :)

Diana said...

I could not agree more..I have seen blogs raise THOUSANDS of dollars. The one raised more then her whole fee.Honestly how do we even know these people are real..look at the one lady you all found. I have NO PROBLEM donating to anything. I just like to "know" the person!!
Since you said what you hate I am going to throw another one out there..I so DISLIKE the word Orphan. We adopted our 2 sons and we became a family!!
I need to go to bed as I could go ON and ON about that one...

Liene said...

Wow! You said exactly what I would've said but my dad would've yelled at me for using profanity on my blog. LOL!

I "chipped in" once and I won't ever do it again. Not that I minded because this parent originally was doing the NSN route after adopting 1 NSN and 1 SN child already. However, she looked at the WC list for her agency about 4 months after being LID and she knew this child was meant to be hers. She also did a bunch of fundraising - magazines, popcorn, etc. I didn't expect a handwritten note but even an email of thanks would've been nice. She is now trying to bring home a 4th child (in the span of just over 4 yrs) and had a chip-in button on her blog but now doesn't probably because she couldn't get anyone to donate. If you hit the same people over and over to help out, they get major burnout.

I agree with a lot of what Special K had to say. If this is what you want, it's about making a lifestyle change in order to be able to afford it. You stop spending frivolously. You stop eating out, you live off of Hamburger Helper if you have to and most of all you budget and stick to it so you can save the money necessary. Clean out your house and have a yard sale. I know most people have more crap than they need. I'm raising my hand in guilt and will soon be listing a slew of stuff on Craigslist so I can buy my baby girl a bed to sleep in since we don't have one yet.

We are paying for our entire adoption with savings. We started this crazy journey in March 2006; LID Dec 2006 and just accepted a SN referral. Things are going to move fast!

If you live in a $500,000 you should not be using a chip-in button to raise funds. That is definite BS!